One More Day

Tonight, it will be one year since my dad passed away, and I still feel numb. Lord took him away from me forever. My heart physically aches for him, and I still can’t believe he’s gone.

That evening when I was helping one of my best friends packing to move to other new work place, I got unexpected phone call from my sister home. That same morning I was calling home to check the condition of my dad who had stroke and I don’t know why I reminding her over n over to call me if anything happen to dad. I never really expect that she will call me back in the same evening with that terrible news. It was a miserable feeling, I was screaming, crying and I don’t know how to describe my felling was. I kept saying “no…no…no… please don’t tell me that, why dad leave me this soon, why daddy cannot wait for me, why no goodbye….” with tons of regrets. It was a nightmare. I hate myself and thing that made my heart even worst I wasn’t there when my dads pass on. Guilty, upset, regret, mad, and all miserable feeling came…And I could not get home that night, which hurts me even more.

This is maybe the worst parts when you work and live miles away from home. My company tried to get the faster flight possible and was only confirmed that I get a flight home in the next two days in which I will only arrive 5 days after, and it was too late. I could not see him on his very last day. In my Balinese tradition, when there is a big ceremony in your village and you have somebody die, you cannot keep the dad body at home. My family has to bury him as soon as possible. And I have no choice. My mom was trying to comfort me. She was trying to be strong but I know all of my families get hurt. I never could see my daddy anymore not his dad body even so. It was so painful and very hard but that is life. I know we all must go and leave this earth for other thing God chooses us to do. I just regret all the situation, condition, time, circumstances and so on. I feel it is too early for him and for family. Maybe that was the best so my daddy wasn’t suffering anymore but I still could not believe it happen this fast. I am so sorry to him that I cannot be on his side on his very last day. As if I could turn back the time…

When I listen to this song, my mind is turn me back over to that sad moment…

Last night I had a crazy dream, A wish was granted just for me
It could be for anything, I didn’t ask for money or a mansion in Malibu
I simply wished, for one more day with you dad…

One more day, One more time
One more sunset, maybe Id be satisfied
But then again, I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you

I wish I could forget the nightmare at times, but it is so hard. “I miss you so much Daddy!” I know my moms, my brother and sisters do too. I wish I had spent more time with him when he was well. I wish I had told you how sorry I was for all those days you wanted to spend time with me and I always had an excuse. I wish I had those happy memories as a child all back again. I would do so many things differently. I can never thank you enough for everything you ever did for me. I just wish you were still here with me. But I believe he is in heaven watching over me now.

White flower for my daddy

“Rest In Peace, to my beloved father, I know you’re in heaven, and you’re looking down at me. Six feet in the ground, and I’ll never see you again, until I’m in the sky, up in heaven. My D-A-D, L-O-V to the E Forever and eternity”